as long as you both shall live
by teddylupin-snape
Summary: Lily and James get married. It's supposed to be magical, perfect. Life just doesn't always work out that way. AU, for Amber, my muse. / Jily, past Wolfstar, cursed!Sirius


I.

"James?"

He rolls over to his side, facing her in bed. She looks nervous, excited maybe? "Yeah?" His voice is a husky breath, and Lily takes a deep breath.

"I… well, I'm pregnant." She bites her lip, watching his eyes.

"Oh… _oh_!" His expression changes, from mirroring her worry to comprehension and joy. They were going to have a _baby_. James's face breaks into a wide smile, and Lily visibly relaxes, a small smile growing on her lips, too. "Well, I guess this is as good a time as any. C'mere." James gets out of bed, reaching for Lily's hand. She takes his, giggling because she's confused and happy and _in love_.

They stand next to their bed for a minute, holding each other's hands and just looking at each other, taking it all in. Neither of them could hide their smiles if they wanted to. James lets go for a moment, turning to rummage through the drawer of his bedside table. Lily tries not to guess what he's looking for, because she has a hunch and it's much more fun to pretend she's completely surprised.

That doesn't stop her jaw from dropping when he turns around and gets down on one knee. "Lily Evans," he says, opening a small, black ring box. The diamonds set in the ring glitter magnificently in the light. James honestly can't believe he's reached this moment in life. He thinks back on their history – on how much she seemed to hate him back in their first year, how she'd softened up to him and he learned to love the true Lily, how the sight of her after a long, horrible day can make all his anxiety and anger just melt away. He's the luckiest man in the world.

At just the mention of her name, tears are threatening to fall from Lily's eyes. She promised herself that she wouldn't cry. James had to cry before she would, that was her rule. Not that that takes much, James cries at everything. She loves that about him.

"You're my heart, Lily. There's no one in the world I'd rather spend my life with. You, and our child," he adds, his eyes flitting down to her belly. She rolls her eyes at him, laughing. "That's all I need in life. I don't think there's any reason to wait. Life is short, and I want to spend it all with you. Will you marry me?"

"Of course, you idiot," she replies, because she's fully crying now. Lily can't remember the last time she's felt this happy. "A baby and a wedding."

"A baby and a wedding," he echoes, a soft chuckle following the words. When Lily thinks about it, that overwhelmed feeling works its way back to the forefront of her mind, but then James kisses her and nothing matters anymore. Nothing apart from him, and her, and their future child, and this overwhelming pull of love. She wraps her arms around the back of his neck, pulling him in closer.

"Never leave me," she breathes into his mouth.

"Never."

II.

She's heard all the wedding clichés for her entire life. It's going to be the best day of her life, and all that. Except she didn't honestly anticipate it all being true. Lily couldn't imagine it being anything other than a day where she puts on a big, puffy, white dress and tells James she loves him in front of all their friends. Of course, it's so much more than that. It's the stuff of childhood magic – the ethereal kind that you convince yourself doesn't exist until you're basking in it. She's never been happier.

Whenever James looks at Lily, his fiancée, his nearly- _wife_ , he can't help but wonder what he did to deserve this. He's got everything he's ever dreamed of, it's all coming true. It was only a year ago that he proposed to Lily. They'd waited a while for the wedding, granted. They wanted to have the baby first, and to have a bit of time to get settled into their new life before changing it once again. But as James stands on the altar, holding hands with Lily and stealing a glance over at Remus, who was holding James's child in his arms, James can't help but tear up.

Remus has tears in his eyes throughout the whole ceremony. James looks stunning – in all their years as friends, Remus has never seen his hair look as controlled as it does now. Lily's glowing in her gown. Harry, wearing the smallest version of a suit Remus has ever seen, is resting gently in his arms. To see all it took for Lily and James to get to this point, to watch them get their happy ending gives Remus hope.

Everyone cheers as they say, "I do." Remus looks over to Sirius on his left, reaching out to hold his hand. Sirius doesn't notice – he's staring off into the distance, a vacant expression on his face. Remus figures he's in shock, that James managed to achieve his eleven-year-old self's biggest dream. He wraps his arm back around Harry, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

III.

"Where are the newlyweds, Remus?" Alice calls to him from across the bar. The reception hall is simple and elegant, lit with enough candles to rival the Hogwarts Great Hall. Alice is holding a glass of wine in one hand and a pair of high heels in the other.

Remus shrugs. "Haven't seen them. But I wouldn't be surprised if they got distracted. I'll go take a look." He's left Harry with Molly Weasley. Apparently, she doesn't have enough children of her own to look after, because she insisted he needed a break and that she could watch Harry for a bit.

He ducks out of the hall and down a side corridor to the small rooms where James and Lily had gotten ready. He knocks on Lily's door. When there's no response, he figures it's safe to go in, but the room is empty. Remus sighs, knocking next door. There's a shuffle, a thud, but no one says anything. Knowing them, at least one would say something. So, he pushes open that door as well, keeping a precautionary hand on his wand pocket.

" _Sirius_?" Remus nearly drops his wand at the scene before him. Sirius, standing next to an overturned armchair, his wand in his hand and an emptied potion vial at his feet. James is laid back over the arm of the loveseat across the room, Lily draped over his lap.

Neither is moving. Neither is breathing.

Remus is going to kill Sirius.

" _What did you do_?" Remus growls, disarming Sirius silently before taking several long strides forward. He grabs his boyfriend by the neck, pushing him hard up against the wall and digging the tip of his wand into Sirius's cheek. The only thought going through Remus's mind is red-hot anger. His hand closes tighter around Sirius's neck. His face is red, he's spluttering, but Remus doesn't care. He doesn't have any sympathy for the monster right now. " _Tell me what you did_."

Sirius looks lost. It's not the same distant expression he had earlier, this is a clueless, confused regret. He almost looks guilty, but Remus doesn't think Sirius knows what he should feel guilty about. Sirius searches Remus's face frantically, finding his eyes and looking imploringly at him. "Remus—" his voice is hollow and desperate, and it makes Remus feel sick.

"Don't talk to me. Don't look at me, don't touch me. I can't believe you, he's your _brother_." Remus throws an arm out in the direction of James's body. Sirius's eyes flit over to him, and Remus slaps him hard. "Don't you _dare_ look at James. Or Lily." He's yelling now, but he can't bring himself to lower his voice. "I trusted you. I _loved_ you."

Remus bites down on his lip, stepping back from Sirius and watching with spite as he falls to the floor in a heap. He waves his wand over Sirius's crumpled, disgusting form and thin ropes lace their way around Sirius's wrists and ankles, keeping him from moving. He sends a Patronus message to the Auror office but he can't bring himself to approach Lily and James. He can't bring himself to go back out to the reception and face everyone. He can't be the one to break the news, and he can't think about it right now. He needs a drink.

IV.

As the bartender clears away Remus's sixth glass, he starts to feel suitably numb. The liquor quickly becomes a haven from his troubles. There are tear tracks stained onto his cheeks, and the bartender shoots him a concerned look every few minutes.

The door opens, letting in a whoosh of the cold, October wind. Remus doesn't care to look, or doesn't notice, but Kingsley Shacklebolt sits beside him, putting a comforting arm on Remus's shoulder. His eyes flit up to the other man's face just long enough to process him, then back down to his drink. Remus figures that Kingsley was the one to receive his message at the Auror office. He's new at the job, but good nonetheless. Remus waits for him to talk, signaling at the bartender for another drink. When the glass set down before him is water, Remus doesn't notice.

"Remus, I'm so sorry." Kingsley has that deep, warm voice that compels Remus to relax, but it doesn't work now.

He takes a deep breath. "Can you just tell me what you know, get it over with?" he asks, his voice barely more than a hoarse whisper.

"Lily and James are both dead. It looks like he poisoned James and used the Killing Curse on Lily. We don't know his intent, nor the exact identity of the potion he used, apart from its poisonous nature."

"He?" Remus knows who Kingsley means, but he's still denying it to himself.

Kingsley nods, professional. "Sirius Black. Again, I'm sorry. And I know this is a bad time, but any information you have that may help us would be appreciated. You were closer to all of them than anyone else is. We want justice for James and Lily. I'm sure you want the same." Remus swallows hard, nodding. "There is another matter I need to discuss with you, though perhaps this isn't the time?" He sends a pointed look at the glass in Remus's hands.

"What is it?"

"Harry." Kingsey shuts his eyes for a moment. When he opens them again, they're focused, looking beyond his feelings on the matter. "He's currently staying with the Weasleys. We thought that would be best for the moment. But Sirius was meant to be his guardian in the event that anything happened to James and Lily. Now that he's incapacitated, it's up to you. That is, if you'd be willing and able."

"'Course," Remus mutters, feeling the static in his mind. He wants to go to bed, and to wake up and discover that this whole day has been nothing more than a horrible nightmare.

Kingsley stands up, running his hands down the front of his robes. "I will meet with you again tomorrow, when you're sober." His tone reminds Remus of his mother. His cheeks heat up as he blushes, and he lets go of the glass, pushing it further away from him on the bar. "We can make it official then. I'll take you home, come on." He takes Remus's hand, guiding him outside to Apparate. The only thought running through Remus's mind is that he is almost definitely going to throw up all over Kingsley Shacklebolt.

V.

The days between the wedding and the funeral pass in a blind flurry. He's taking care of Harry now, which means he needs a proper home that can house a baby.

Which means that Remus Lupin is living in his dead best friends' house.

He hasn't slept more than a few hours a night. Remus sits on the edge of the rocking chair in the living room. He can't allow himself to feel comfortable here, not living in Lily and James's house. But he's got Harry and he doesn't exactly have anywhere else to live. Harry deserves the best. That's all Remus cares about.

He can't help picturing Lily or James rocking baby Harry in this chair or watching him play with his toys on the other side of the room. Everywhere he looks brings back a memory as sharp as broken glass. He spends more time crying than not. Every day, Harry gets older, understands more. All Remus can hope for is that Harry will remember something, anything about his parents. He knows there's no chance. He almost dreads having to be the one to teach the boy everything he will ever know about who his parents were. He won't be able to do it justice; his heart breaks for the kid.

Kingsley hasn't provided him with any new information. All he knows is that Sirius has been sent to Azkaban. Serves him right.

Harry cries from his nursery, shaking him out of his thoughts. Remus walks through the dark house to Harry's room, the path becoming muscle memory at this point. "Harry," he murmurs, leaning over the crib. He's still learning what Harry's different cries mean. "You want me to hold you, is that what you're saying?" Remus reaches down, lifting the child and hugging him to his side. Harry calms down a bit, still a bit fussy. Remus can't blame him – he's spent about as much of the past few days crying as Harry has. They sure make a great pair.

"You're okay," he coos. "You don't have to worry, I'll protect you. We're gonna stick together, you and me." He smooths down Harry's hair – he looks so much like James. "All we have is each other. But we're going to be okay, promise."

Harry's eyelids fall closed, and his breathing begins to steady out. Remus kisses the top of his head, sinking down to sit on the floor. He wakes up the next morning, still there, with Harry in his arms.

VI.

Remus walks to the front of the small church on shaking legs. He's refusing to let the reality of the situation sink in. But he promised to give a eulogy. He turns so his body's facing the room, but his eyes never waver from Harry's. He's holding tight to his favorite teddy bear and grinning up at Remus. He's the only one in the room who doesn't fully comprehend what's happening. Remus wishes he could have some of that naivety. The atmosphere in the room is serious, stifling. James and Lily would hate it.

He doesn't listen to his own words as he speaks. He doesn't look at any mourning faces; he keeps his eyes fixed on baby Harry. Remus has read over the eulogy so many times, he doesn't need to think about it anymore. When he gets to the end, though, he looks around the room. He's barely even noticed who is there. He feels obliged to at least make an attempt to be present right now.

"I don't know how to go on without them. Really, I don't. My whole life changed in a moment. Lily and James died." He's avoiding looking at Harry now. He knows the child doesn't understand, but he can tell something is wrong. Harry misses them as much as Remus does. "And it's the end of the world as we know it. But the days still go on, without them. All I can do is try to live as they would. Fearless, a spitfire, like Lily. Bold and determined, like James. The worst thing we can do is to let their impact die with them.

"Nothing will ever be quite the same. But we owe it to ourselves, to Harry, to the future, to live like they're still with us. Even if that's not in person."

He steps down, back to his pew at the front. He picks Harry up, holding him on his lap, holding tight to that last bit of James and Lily in his life.

 **.**

 **A/N: Written for Assignment 5: Healer Studies Task 3: Write about someone using poison as a tool for murder; Hunger Games: Word: Haven, Emotion: Guilt, Dialogue: "It's the end of the world as we know it.", Pairing: James/Lily, Setting: A bar; Quidditch League Round 10: Write about a death at a wedding, birthday party, or similarly happy occasion; Prompts: (object) Potion vial, (quote) "If he's dead, I'll kill him", (word) poisonous; Seasonal – Days of the Year: June 8: Write a fic for one of your best fanfiction friends; Summer Prompts: (word) Stifling; Shay's Musical Challenge 38: Write about a murder; Gryffindor Challenge: Lily Evans; Writing Club – Character Appreciation 28: (plot point) hoping someone remembers; Disney Challenge C5: Write about someone who shouldn't be trusted; Dark Lady's Diabolical Lair 19: Write about a horrific discovery; Book Club – Wade: (dialogue) "You want me to hold you, is that what you're saying?", (word) serious, (plot point) threatening someone; Showtime 10: (word) goodbye; Amber's Attic 2: "Sometimes I'm the mess. Sometimes I'm the broom. On the hardest days, I have to be both."; Count Your Buttons O3: Teddy Bear; Lyric Alley 5: First you lose trust, then you get worried; Ami's Audio Admirations 9: (theme) multiple people dying; Angel's Arcade 9: (word) dark; (dialogue) "I will protect you," (action) walking; Lo's Lowdown: O1: (theme) good versus evil; Bex's Basement 6: Write about a young person (under 13) losing their parents; Film Festival 9: (item) ring box, 18: (plot point) Unexpected news; Slash September: Remus Lupin; Fortnightly – Leaf Pile: Crying; Pinata Club – Hard (Slash) wc 2694 ; 365 Prompts - 87: (dialogue) "All we have is each other"; September Writing Month: wc 2694**


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